I’m drowning, and you’re standing three feet away screaming “learn how to swim” (c.j.)

I am sick. And sometimes it is hard for me to admit that I am. It’s not the kind of sickness that goes away in a week or two. I have been fighting this sickness for years. It’s a battle I’m fighting within myself.

I let people bring me down because it’s the way I feel about myself. I let people I loved deeply tell me that I am not worth fighting for. I let people tell me that I am a bad person. I let people tell me that I never change. The real joke is on these people because (surprise!) I already feel this way about myself.

Next time you try and bring me down realize that these words go through my head everyday. Realize that these are the words I hear when I’m by myself at night trying to make this pain go away all on my own. Realize that you are only feeding my sickness. Realize that if you ever loved me you wouldn’t say these things at all.

These are people you don’t need in your life. I would rather drown on my own than have someone hold my head under water until I can’t breathe anymore. Realize I hate myself more than you could ever hate me. 

B.G. 

Moving Forward

I recently joined a group for people with anxiety and depression and today the administrator asked “How are you doing today?” And the majority of the answers talked about all the stuff that they have going through their mind and another half said “its really sad that a stranger in a group asked me if I was okay today before my own friends and family”. That answer really stuck to me.

I myself feel like a broken record lately. I keep making mistake after mistake and after drinking way too much for my own good yesterday I made a big one. And I hurt and scared people that I love more than anything in the entire world. I don’t know why I do what I do anymore. I feel completely trapped in my own head sometimes with no escape. I feel completely psychotic sometimes and I feel bad for the people who have to deal with me on a daily basis. 

Over the past few weeks my close friends and family have been checking on me and asking if I was feeling okay, have I been sleeping, did you schedule a doctors appointment? And I was kind of annoyed. And I told someone I was annoyed and she said “oooo darn people care about you”. And people like her really keep me in check. Not everyone has that in their life and it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about. It broke my heart when I read that a stranger asked someone if they were okay before their own friends and family. 

I know I’m probably not the best person to talk to. I can’t even take my own advice, but if anyone ever needs someone to listen I’ll lend my ear. I don’t have much to say, but I can say I’ve been there and we’ll get through this together because we are not alone. 

I’m seriously greatful for the people I have in my life because without them I wouldn’t be able to pull myself together time and time again. I love you all so much.

B.G. 

Missing You

Today is one of the reasons I hate March the most. Two years ago I had to say my final goodbye to one of my best friends. I can’t remember much about that day besides the fact that you didn’t look like yourself and my mom literally had to pull me away from you at the end.

Over the past few weeks I haven’t been able to sleep that well and I’ve been trying to remember good memories with you and I’m finding it really hard. You were my friend much longer than anything else, so why can’t I remember a majority of the moments we shared together? What I came up with is that when people hurt me I tend to only associate the person with the bad memory. I think my mind tries to block out the good things. It’s my one major flaw. Once people hurt me or leave I have a hard time letting them back in. 

But here are the few good memories and moments that I was able to pull out of my mind:

You never failed to embarrass me because you couldn’t control yourself in public 

That time you swore Monica Lewinsky was an answer during the picture trivia round and everyone thought you were nuts

That time you saved my Taco Bell receipt because you found it hilarious that I only spent $3

Your disgusting food obsessions (taco pizza)

Those horrendous group chats you would send to people asking them to go to Taco Bell (you never put me in them because you said I would kill you)

That time you knocked down the sign in seasonal with a bouncy ball and it came crashing down and you ran

How you always told me you hated my music because you thought they all sounded like music in car commercials and your music was way superior 

When we would split a brownie sundae at Hobby Horse (I still can’t walk in there)

How you never told me what you got at Wal Mart that one time but you claimed it was super cool

That whenever you heard certain songs you would say “I’m adding that to my list!” and you never told me what it was for 

The summer bunny count from when you would ride your bike home from work

The notes you would leave me at the register

You let me embarrass you at prom with my dancing 

Thats all I can remember right now, but its more than enough. I miss you every single day and I wish you were still here to make me smile when I needed it the most. And I wish that we could have been your reason to smile and keep going. Rest easy, Nolan.

B.G.

Mental Health

Mental health is something that goes unnoticed. I’ve suffered with depression since I was a freshman in high school. I tried everything to fit in and to do the things that everyone else was doing. Almost seven years later and I’m still doing the same thing. Every day I wake up wishing that I hadn’t. I go to school, I go to work, I try to hangout with my friends as much as I can and that still isn’t enough.

Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I tried to do something to better myself. It isn’t okay to feel that way. It isn’t okay to cut yourself because it focuses the pain onto something else even just for a second. It isn’t okay to sleep your day away because you don’t feel the desire to live. I finally decided to see a doctor and she wanted me to go to hospital because of all this stuff I was telling her.

I went home kind of annoyed that she thought I needed to stay in a hospital, but then I started talking to my friends and they urged me to do something to better myself. I’ve made excuses for months on why I wouldn’t go to a doctor or go to a therapist and they straight up told me that they don’t really believe me anymore and that I need help. So, one of my best friends and her wife picked me up and took me to the hospital. I was scared, but I knew it was something that I needed to do. Not just for me, but for my friends and my family.

I was at the hospital for about five or six hours until late last night talking to a lot of different doctors who asked me a bunch of questions. They asked me if I ever wanted to hurt myself. Yes. They asked me if I ever cut myself. Yes. They asked me if I ever thought of a plan. No. They asked me what my trigger point was. I don’t really know. They asked me if I ever planned to hurt anyone else. No. They asked my friend is she thought that I was a complete risk to myself. No.

After being there a long time they decided I didn’t really need to stay in the hospital if that was okay with me. The doctors there were really helpful and gave me a lot of insight on all the things I could do and all the places that could help me. The point of me sharing this is that its okay to ask for help sometimes. I’m so used to taking care of myself all the time that I never let anyone else help.

I’m thankful for all my friends who help me get through the hard days in life, which feel more often than not. I’m thankful for my brother who constantly urges me to better myself, and I even thank the person who gave up on me because they are making me a stronger person every single day. And while these people are helping me they are also going through their own struggles and they’re honestly superheroes to me.

It’s okay to not be okay.

B.G.

March 5th

On this day two years ago I woke up at 6:23 a.m. not knowing that my life was going to change forever. I remember screaming and collapsing and that’s about it. A few more hours later I found out I also lost someone else I was close with to another disease that I know all too well. At that point I was numb and I couldn’t feel anything and I felt horrible because I didn’t understand why I wasn’t acting the way I should.

Nolan told me that he wanted me to be happy and I didn’t understand how he could say that to me after what happened. How could I be happy when I was so blind to how he was feeling? I’m sure everyone in his life had that same question as well. Over the past few days people have been checking up on me and I realized that I’ll never really be okay with what happened. It’s not possible. But I did realize that I’m finally starting to be okay with it and I’m trying not to let it define me as a person.

When I was sad a few weeks ago I was talking to one of his friends and I said “Nolan is definitely shaking his head at me because I keep letting people hurt me” and he said “Nolan has no say in what happens in our lives” and he’s right. We all make mistakes and we just have to roll with the punches. We don’t all get dealt a good hand all the time. It’s just not possible. Nolan certainly had his share of mistakes too and some that no one even knew about.

I was talking to an old friend from high school this past weekend and I told him I either wanted to be a social worker or a therapist. He told me that he really hoped I succeeded in that because I’ve had a tough life and I deserved an easier one and it opened my eyes. I never really realized I had a tough life until he said something. And he should know because he dealt with me three years. It made me realize that I’ve been through a lot of shit already and I’m only 21. Each thing that has happened in my life I thought I would never get past. But I did and I survived.

So thank you for making me realize that I can get through what I thought was impossible. I hope everyone conquers their inner demons.

B.G.

 

 

Friendship

My mom always tells me that boys come and go, but friendship is forever and she’s right. I owe a lot to my friends for putting up with me these past few weeks. I’m a miserable person a lot of the time and they’re always there to pick me back up. I don’t think I would be here without some of my friends. I wish I could be there for them as much as they are for me.

Whenever I’m in a bad place there is always someone there for me. And they’re usually there to say “fuck them” and “move on” (which is something easier said than done I might add). I feel bad for the people who don’t have this in their lives. I have friends who would come over at 6 a.m. because I’m crying in hysterics and they don’t even question it. I have friends who volunteer to beat someone up for me, who inspire me to be a better person everyday, who kick my ass and tell me I need to get my shit in order, and are there to hold my hand and cry with me in the worst moments of my life. I will never forget the people who have been there for me since day one.

You know who your real friends are in times that you don’t even like yourself. And for me that’s most of the time and I’m working on it. My brother has been telling me a lot lately that God is good and He has a plan in sight for everyone. I would like to think that He also has a plan for my crazy self. I just hope that my path becomes more clear over time.

So, I just want to thank these wonderful people in my life. You are more family to me than anything else. Everyone should tell the people who choose to stay in their lives that you love them every chance that you get. From experience I know that crazy things happen and life takes over.

I am as lucky as I can get.

B.G.

 

 

Lessons Learned

It’s almost been two years since I lost one of my best friends. Every single day is a reminder that things can be a lot worse. When I’m at my lowest point I tend to think that nothing will ever be okay again. But I have seen things get okay again. I have put my pieces back together many times before. I might be going through a lot right now, but I know things will go back to normal.

In my dark times I could barely eat or sleep. I remember going through what I’m going through now. I didn’t feel hungry ever, I lost a lot of weight, when I did fall asleep they were filled with nightmares. I wake up in a panic most mornings for no reason and it makes me so angry because I can’t explain why this stuff is happening. I don’t think anyone in my family really understands what its like to have a panic attack for no reason and I couldn’t explain it to them even if I tried.

Nolan’s death has also taught me that I cannot compare people. One persons story is not another persons story. I think I panic when I find out that people I love a lot are struggling because I’m afraid I’m going to lose them. It literally terrifies me that one morning I’ll wake up again and find out that I lost someone else to depression. And in this case comparison probably was my downfall. I don’t regret trying to help this person because I think in my mind I was trying to help myself. I wish someone had pushed me to get help when I really needed it instead of me self-medicating myself to get rid of the pain that I was feeling and still am feeling.

I really do owe it to my friends and family for always giving me love when I need it the most.

And to anyone who actually takes the time to read this and are struggling themselves: you are not alone. Your friends need you. Your family needs you. Your story is important and so is your struggle.

B.G.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grieving

Grieving comes in many forms and I feel like I’ve felt all of them. My grieving comes with excessive crying and panic attacks. Over the past few days I’ve been dealing with my panic attacks all over again. It really sucks when you find out someone you loved so much isn’t who you thought they were. And I know I’m not the only one who goes through this. It angers me that I’m the one that has to feel things so deeply. Why can’t it be someone else? The past few days I have gotten restless sleep, I’ve woken up with panic attacks and immediately throw up, and get nauseous at even the smell of food.

Today I did something that I haven’t been able to make myself do in a long time. I went to visit my friend Nolan who passed away almost two years ago now. I looked at all the items on his grave (a can of Heineken, a Symphony bar, a rose) and just let it all out. I wanted to scream because life hasn’t always been fair and it never will be. I told him everything that’s been going on, the mistakes I’ve been making, and the stuff that he’s been missing and I felt a lot better.

Hopefully today will be my last day of grieving this time around. What I was grieving wasn’t even worth it. I know my worth and I know what I deserve. And what was happening behind my back was none of them. I wish everyone the best and I hope they have a nice life and discover who they really are as a person.

Thanks for helping me realize who I am again.

B.G.