Lessons Learned

It’s almost been two years since I lost one of my best friends. Every single day is a reminder that things can be a lot worse. When I’m at my lowest point I tend to think that nothing will ever be okay again. But I have seen things get okay again. I have put my pieces back together many times before. I might be going through a lot right now, but I know things will go back to normal.

In my dark times I could barely eat or sleep. I remember going through what I’m going through now. I didn’t feel hungry ever, I lost a lot of weight, when I did fall asleep they were filled with nightmares. I wake up in a panic most mornings for no reason and it makes me so angry because I can’t explain why this stuff is happening. I don’t think anyone in my family really understands what its like to have a panic attack for no reason and I couldn’t explain it to them even if I tried.

Nolan’s death has also taught me that I cannot compare people. One persons story is not another persons story. I think I panic when I find out that people I love a lot are struggling because I’m afraid I’m going to lose them. It literally terrifies me that one morning I’ll wake up again and find out that I lost someone else to depression. And in this case comparison probably was my downfall. I don’t regret trying to help this person because I think in my mind I was trying to help myself. I wish someone had pushed me to get help when I really needed it instead of me self-medicating myself to get rid of the pain that I was feeling and still am feeling.

I really do owe it to my friends and family for always giving me love when I need it the most.

And to anyone who actually takes the time to read this and are struggling themselves: you are not alone. Your friends need you. Your family needs you. Your story is important and so is your struggle.

B.G.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Grieving

Grieving comes in many forms and I feel like I’ve felt all of them. My grieving comes with excessive crying and panic attacks. Over the past few days I’ve been dealing with my panic attacks all over again. It really sucks when you find out someone you loved so much isn’t who you thought they were. And I know I’m not the only one who goes through this. It angers me that I’m the one that has to feel things so deeply. Why can’t it be someone else? The past few days I have gotten restless sleep, I’ve woken up with panic attacks and immediately throw up, and get nauseous at even the smell of food.

Today I did something that I haven’t been able to make myself do in a long time. I went to visit my friend Nolan who passed away almost two years ago now. I looked at all the items on his grave (a can of Heineken, a Symphony bar, a rose) and just let it all out. I wanted to scream because life hasn’t always been fair and it never will be. I told him everything that’s been going on, the mistakes I’ve been making, and the stuff that he’s been missing and I felt a lot better.

Hopefully today will be my last day of grieving this time around. What I was grieving wasn’t even worth it. I know my worth and I know what I deserve. And what was happening behind my back was none of them. I wish everyone the best and I hope they have a nice life and discover who they really are as a person.

Thanks for helping me realize who I am again.

B.G.