On this day two years ago I woke up at 6:23 a.m. not knowing that my life was going to change forever. I remember screaming and collapsing and that’s about it. A few more hours later I found out I also lost someone else I was close with to another disease that I know all too well. At that point I was numb and I couldn’t feel anything and I felt horrible because I didn’t understand why I wasn’t acting the way I should.
Nolan told me that he wanted me to be happy and I didn’t understand how he could say that to me after what happened. How could I be happy when I was so blind to how he was feeling? I’m sure everyone in his life had that same question as well. Over the past few days people have been checking up on me and I realized that I’ll never really be okay with what happened. It’s not possible. But I did realize that I’m finally starting to be okay with it and I’m trying not to let it define me as a person.
When I was sad a few weeks ago I was talking to one of his friends and I said “Nolan is definitely shaking his head at me because I keep letting people hurt me” and he said “Nolan has no say in what happens in our lives” and he’s right. We all make mistakes and we just have to roll with the punches. We don’t all get dealt a good hand all the time. It’s just not possible. Nolan certainly had his share of mistakes too and some that no one even knew about.
I was talking to an old friend from high school this past weekend and I told him I either wanted to be a social worker or a therapist. He told me that he really hoped I succeeded in that because I’ve had a tough life and I deserved an easier one and it opened my eyes. I never really realized I had a tough life until he said something. And he should know because he dealt with me three years. It made me realize that I’ve been through a lot of shit already and I’m only 21. Each thing that has happened in my life I thought I would never get past. But I did and I survived.
So thank you for making me realize that I can get through what I thought was impossible. I hope everyone conquers their inner demons.