Grieving

Grieving comes in many forms and I feel like I’ve felt all of them. My grieving comes with excessive crying and panic attacks. Over the past few days I’ve been dealing with my panic attacks all over again. It really sucks when you find out someone you loved so much isn’t who you thought they were. And I know I’m not the only one who goes through this. It angers me that I’m the one that has to feel things so deeply. Why can’t it be someone else? The past few days I have gotten restless sleep, I’ve woken up with panic attacks and immediately throw up, and get nauseous at even the smell of food.

Today I did something that I haven’t been able to make myself do in a long time. I went to visit my friend Nolan who passed away almost two years ago now. I looked at all the items on his grave (a can of Heineken, a Symphony bar, a rose) and just let it all out. I wanted to scream because life hasn’t always been fair and it never will be. I told him everything that’s been going on, the mistakes I’ve been making, and the stuff that he’s been missing and I felt a lot better.

Hopefully today will be my last day of grieving this time around. What I was grieving wasn’t even worth it. I know my worth and I know what I deserve. And what was happening behind my back was none of them. I wish everyone the best and I hope they have a nice life and discover who they really are as a person.

Thanks for helping me realize who I am again.

B.G.